From here, it’s the  light and the darkness colliding.

The silence of the world just before the sun’s rays grab hold of the world by its fingers of light.

Before was just opening my eyes to the morning light.

It now seems to be an awakening to the birds’ melody, gossiping of love, outside my window.

And sleep.

Have you ever stood in the summer sun, so bright, so commanding, it’s a force causing you to close your eyes.  Because sunlight begs not to be seen, but to be felt by the soul.

It seems your smile has collected so much of the sun, is has no choice but to collide with the darkness.  Filling the shadows of my soul with refined beams of light.

So kid, what is behind the smile? DSC_0271.jpg

Dear 7 year old me,

Just to put you at ease, you still have a bottomless pit for a stomach, and I know you were worried that would maybe change one day, causing you to not be able to eat dessert after dinner every night…but don’t worry our iron gut lives on.

Some things have changed, though. You no longer go into fits of silent rage when you don’t eat on time (we’ve learned how to control that), flavored creamer in your coffee was so 2005, you’re going to hate this one, but sugar and candy make your stomach hurt now. Oh, and that half a gallon of milk you used to drink daily, ya, maybe wean yourself off of dairy now, it’ll make it an easier transition for you.

What hasn’t changed is your absolutely incredible ability to think about what you’re having for lunch and dinner while you’re eating breakfast.

Your deep belly laugh has come and gone, and believe me I searched for it everywhere, but just rest in the fact that besides random squeals, your laughter is now silent. I don’t know what happened. You still laugh at everything. I’m so glad you’ve kept that over the years.

Oh, and your sarcasm, it’s always on full blast, thank you for continually fine tuning that over the years.

You still only cry like once every year, so we’re still really good at suppression. That may be something you work on now, because you’re more malleable with your soul as a child. But Just kidding, you still feel everyone’s soul at such a deep capacity, but you just express it differently, please don’t change that.

God is moving you Kor, so keep being curious about your soul. Never stop asking Him questions, because even the questions of doubt solidify His agape love towards you.

Oh, and I know you won’t believe this but you’re still going to spend most summer nights laying on the trampoline, still asking questions to the stars.

In regards to agape love, I know you haven’t discovered the word agape yet, but in time you’re going to finally find a few words that finally help decipher the abounding love you feel every day. You are still on a search for agape joy, though. It’s going to be a daunting search some days, but the pursuit your soul has for the Kingdom will undoubtedly reveal the rawness of agape joy. And although we have always felt agape love, you still know that there’s more to reveal within your soul.

Here’s a good one, remember how you never thought marriage was part of your ministry, ha think again. When you’re about 21 God is going to put your soul on blast, and reveal that part of your soul to you from a different perspective. So get ready for that… or maybe don’t, it’ll make it more of a revolutionary experience. By now, you’ve met your husband, and of course you’re you, so literally nothing has happened yet, and you’re going to feel like you blew it. Just have a little bit of urgent patience. At some point in life you will begin to filter how straightforward you are, sometimes for the better, but in this case you’re going to really feel an extreme soul ache knowing you’re not taking the ministry with your husband that God is laying right in front of you to grab. For once, and only in this certain moment, please stop being so stubborn and just try to have a little vulnerability towards the situation…you won’t regret it, I’m sure of it.

Please, with all that is in you, have the audacity to keep your unfiltered soul as innocent and as raw as possible, so that you aren’t in the position you’re in right now.

You still think the word “poop” is hilarious and farting will forever be funny. You also still make yourself laugh, like too much.

The Bighorns are still your sanctuary.

You’re going to continue to have a divine calling towards ministry. It may not be in a church setting like you think right now, but keep feeling that in your soul, so that it may manifest when the time is right. Your heart is going to fall in love with new souls and also get broken daily. Continue to find peace in that, but don’t do it feebly. Be audacious with the love you have towards others.

You’re still going to get frustrated with the lack of urgency the world has towards love. The day you are finally able to put words to the truth you have about eternity, is going to be such a groundbreaking day…I think you’re really gonna like it.

Oh, you’re still super awkward, but it’s made you some kingdom-chasing friends..so just stay you. Also, you’re still going to ask too many stupid questions, but I think that’s how we deicide what friends to keep around…the friends who indulge in the brain twisting “what if” conversations, are the ones who keep your imagination. Make sure to keep those soul mates.

I know you’re still young, but I know you already know that our innocence isn’t about not feeling things, or being naive, It’s about feeling the collision of heaven and earth in total rawness. Sometimes you’ll over romanticize this fact, and that’s ok, sometimes God will want that from you. More often than not, you’re going to suit up for war, but I know you’ve already suited up more times than we can count for this spiritual warfare, and you’re only 7.

Whistling will still be your favorite way to communicate.

You’re probably reading this right now wondering why it isn’t a story about a dog or something, but the you need to hear this right now, because future you is really feeling like a shadow of our self right now. The ministry we know to be true to our soul has, for lack of better description, crashed, burned, blew up, was thrown into the incinerator. And because you still have an incredible knack for having a plan in your soul, this time of not knowing what is next, is really taking a toll on your soul. But God has prepared us for this, and just know that it’s OK TO HURT. God calls us to hurt and rejoice, and feel everything in between those two. Thank you for being so stubborn though, because you’re going to really appreciate how willing you are to stand firm ,when you know God wants something for you and from you.

You’re going to fall in love with photography even more than you are right now. Oh but heads up, you probably wont be as obsessed with black and white photography as you are at 7. Sorry.

Oh, you aren’t going to be a dentist on the weekdays and pastor on the weekends…so just give it up now. AND you’re going to have braces for 5 years and still have a gap in your teeth…so that’ll be fun.

I think one of the most important things to hear right now: you’re still going to love to listen to people’s soul stories, and even though not many will hear or ask of yours, you still will fall in love with how each soul describes their time on earth. So just continue to be the girl who sits there and smiles during the chaos of conversation around you.

Find God’s joy, Bear, seek it for all its worth,

TTYL LYLAS BFFL XOXO,
22 year old you

P.S. Dogs are life still. Dogs, dogs, dogs. Our eyes still water when we see dogs. Our favorite books are still about dogs. Just. Dogs. dsc_0041

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you must find your soul in nature.

harmonize with the outlet between two pines.

lie with the moon for the night.
the stars have already promised
their greatest magic tricks
for you.

you must find your soul in the wildflowers  
dancing
to the rhythms to the river.

and only in the moment can nature save you.

such opposing souls
you and i.
you the beginning and the end
mine but a sliver
in existence.
yet, you are the fire
and i the flame.
cotton candy.jpg
Abba, you have handpicked me,
not as the bolt of lightning
pirouetting among the charcoal clouds
nor the deep bellow of old man thunder.
no
my soul has been chosen as both.
And just as the sun
fell in love with moon,
your light met my darkness with a kiss.
an eclipse for all souls.

soul soles

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These soul have gripped icy sidewalks
and mountaintop terrain,
have sunk into the depths of lake
river
stream
and rain puddle.

These soles have
Swung in tires and Bounced on trampoline
slid and twirled on the dance floor.
Have tapped to a beat
and stomped in anger.

These soles
have been dressed
with
woolen socks in the winter’s snow
and mud stained toes in summer rains.

They’ve been
Melted by bonfire
and
pierced with cacti.

They’ve walked amongst strange souls
both familiar and unknown.
Have brought souls to one another
and separated a soul
from this world.

For hugs
they’ve been put on their toes.
For soul-ache
 been drug by their heels.
They’ve walked
through times of elation and droughts of sorrow.

In the silent depths of depression,
these soles
have
carried
the
heaviest
of feet.
They’ve stood,
fallen,
and
knelt at The Alter.

Heavy or light,
Few or far between,
these sole have buffed off
leaving behind
remnants of a soul.

Now tattered
uneven
and without tread
these soles remain protectors
for a soul.

Soles  guided
not by those whose feet they carry
nor path
stream
or
car wheel
but
by
The Creator of every
rain puddle this soul has tromped through
mountain top this soul has trekked to
and river bend this soul has sat next to.

 

(lol the ending got a little messy, but we’ll get there)